i need to just get everything off my chest. Don't feel the need to read it.
WHY CANT I FUCKING DO THIS!? why am i doing this to myself? FOOD DOES NOT CONTROL YOU!! get that into your thick little skull. Eat as little as you can = get skinny = feel comfortable = be happy. Eat like a fat disgusting obese creature = gain weight = want to die = die. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THIS!? It is that simple, why cant you just make ana proud? then for once SOMEONE would be proud of you! She is the only one there for you, your family dont like you, you only have 2 friends who are never there for you but ana always is. She’s with you now, she’s with you ever second of every day and you cant even have the desency to do the one thing she wants you to do!? Do it for yourself and do it for ana. Yes you cant have a good day everyday and you will make mistakes but pick yourself back up and get back to it. It is never to late in the day to turn it around. Just stay strong, if you want something bad enough you wont stop untill you get it. Never give up.
Never felt so suicidal in my life than i did today. I walked around the house looking for somewhere steady that i could have hung myself from but there isn’t really anywhere strong enough to hold my weight. So i looked for a weapon, only knifes are in the kitchen where my mum was so that was off limits. Considered jumping out my bathroom window, but it’s not enough height so i’d probably just paralise myself. Then the last thing i thought of was jumping infront of a car/bus/train but i was grounded. So here i am. Still wishing i was dead.
someone please! I'M BEGGING YOU! tell me i'm fat, tell me i'm disgusting! tell me i am worthless and a fail. PLEASE just anything to make me do this for myself. I need to be skinny but i am not strong enough .. Inbox me! Annoymous or not if you wish! I won't take it as hate and i'm not going to kill myself or anything.. i just want to hear it from someone else, you'll be helping me..
I wish I was the girl in the little black dress who everyone stares at the second she walks into the room. I wish I was the girl that makes friends easily and effortlessly; and keeps them, too. I wish I was the girl with the sweet doting boyfriend. I wish I was the girl with a close group of best friends who do everything together. I wish I was the girl with a killer wardrobe. I wish I was the girl that can buy junk food and ice cream without being scared of how she'll feel the morning after. I wish I was the girl with enough confidence to light an entire auditorium. I wish I was the girl who isn't scared to go skinny dipping in the ocean. I wish I was the girl who makes cute faces for the camera and doesn't beg her friends to delete pictures of her. I wish I was the girl who everyone likes and knows and admires. I wish I was the kind of girl that can be happy with herself.
You wouldn't understand my struggle. I have a fight in the mirror every morning. I lose to my closet everyday. I worry what those girls are whispering about, even though I know they're making fun of my thighs. I yell at myself at all times, unless I'm sleeping. And even then I haunt myself in my dreams. You don't know how it feels to be force fed, to be watched just to make sure I am doing my humanly duties. I cry more often than not. I've banged against walls in frustration and hurt myself for satisfaction. You wouldn't understand.